Struggling With Boundaries and “No”

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I feel like I’ve been struggling lately and don’t know what words of inspiration to provide. I find myself working when I didn’t plan to work to please my boss. I recognize that consistently not holding the boundaries I set for myself is unhealthy and causes suffering and resentment. Establishing and maintaining boundaries is a skill I have yet to master. I don’t know if I’d even call myself competent.

Sometimes I find myself working extra shifts, not because I want or need to, but because I want to keep my boss happy. I want her to give me a good recommendation when I put her down as a job reference. (I work as a COVID tester but am looking for an acute care RN role). However, when I work extra days to please my boss, it costs me a chance to recharge myself, spend time with family, job search, or blog. For example, even though I said I was unavailable to work the day after my second-dose COVID vaccination, I found myself working when I didn’t plan on it because my boss was short-staffed and begged me to work. My arm was sore, and I was tired and achy, but I had no other symptoms, so I obliged her plea for me to work. I had hoped to be taking it easy at home the day after my vaccination to fill out my daughter’s complicated kindergarten applications and other job applications for myself. Instead, I wore myself out by working the day after my second shot. By the time I got home, I felt so fatigued that all I could do was shower and lie in bed all evening. I couldn’t even pick up my daughter from her preschool; my husband did. My boss asked me to work again the following day (a day I usually have off), and I said I could not; I felt like I was fighting the flu! I found myself to the point of exhaustion before I finally said “No,” to my boss.

Being short-staffed seems to be a common theme no matter where a nurse works. (There are so many memes about this!) I am not a bad employee if I tell my boss I am not working extra days. Saying “No” is a skill I know I must strengthen to maintain the boundaries I set to keep myself healthy and balanced. [Un]Fortunately, it looks like I will have plenty of opportunities to practice saying, “No.”

Before I became a nurse, I was the type to cram a lot into my schedule. I still am this way. Usually, I enjoy it, but sometimes it’s stressful, especially when running late from event to event. However, since marrying my husband and having my daughter, I’ve been conscious of my family’s schedule and try not to burden them with too much activity. A nurse- and mom-friend told me her life coach suggested she schedule no more than three things in a day. I’ve been good with this for my family, but I am trying to uphold this goal for myself. I accomplish goals I set for myself more efficiently, and I am more satisfied and less overwhelmed when I create a manageable schedule.

I still have many goals and lots of things I feel I need to do or accomplish each day. Fortunately, I realize 1) I do not need to do everything all at once, and 2) Some things (like working or blogging) may fall off my schedule to focus on completing other things (like job and kindergarten applications). Honestly, I should make one of my goals to stop being such a people-pleaser, and I would be able to say NO guilt-free and struggle less. I am working on this, so thanks for your patience during my mini-break from blogging the past week!

Vision Boarding in Quarantine

Due to an unexpected quarantine from my daughter’s exposure to a COVID positive person, I found myself stuck at home for two weeks in January with my husband and daughter. Thankfully, all of us remained asymptomatic and tested negative for COVID. However, I adhered to the health recommendations to quarantine, and I did not work or leave the house outside of medical appointments for 14 days. Homebound, I decided to make my 2021 vision board a fun, creative activity I could do with my daughter.  

Below is the result of crafting together that day. 

My vision board / collage
My preschooler’s collage

I tend to be a visual learner and have found vision boards to be powerful tools. I’ve shared this before, but years before I became a mom, I made a vision board about being a parent. My husband and I spent over a year trying to get pregnant before I had a miscarriage. I eventually became pregnant with my daughter almost a year after our loss. It was pretty amazing to look back at that vision board, even though my dream of motherhood took some time to materialize. 

If you want to try your hand at making a vision board, below are some tips:

  1. Review your goals or vision board from the prior year (or semester or quarter). Reflect on what you’ve accomplished and acknowledge your achievements! 
  2. Do you have any remaining goals that will continue into the next year (or another timeframe)? Do you need to remove some obstacles before you’re able to achieve these goals? Consider removal of a barrier to be an initial goal.
  3. Think about your goals for your specified timeframe (year, semester, or quarter). What plans do you have for various areas of your life? You can focus on several areas of your life or many, but here are some to consider: work/career, finances, personal relationships, health/fitness, spirituality/well-being, education & development, rest & relaxation, or hobbies & fun.
  4. Are your goals S.M.A.R.T. ? S = Specific, M = Measurable, A = Achieveable, R = Realistic, T = Time-bound. If not, design them to be S.M.A.R.T.
  5. After you’ve thought about your goals (I also recommend writing them down in a planner or calendar!), gather supplies: paper, scissors, tape, glue, markers, and items with images you can use in your vision board (magazines, calendars, catalogs, or Pinterest photos/pins). 
  6. Start cutting out and collecting images or words that inspire you or remind you of the goals you have set for yourself. 
  7. Get at least one photo of yourself to place on your vision board. I also included pictures of my family in mine.
  8. Assemble your vision board, making sure to include the year or goal timeframe (e.g. Semester I 2021) and a photo of yourself!
  9. Place the vision board in an area you frequently see. I made my 2020 vision board and hung it on the wall by my desktop all last year. I replaced it with my 2021 vision board this month.

Before I made my 2021 vision board, I reviewed my 2020 vision board (per step 1 above). I posted my board last January on my FB and IG pages:

Upon review of last year’s vision board, it was reassuring to see how many things I accomplished or goals I achieved, despite a worldwide pandemic and various stay-at-home orders: 

  • The photo of a mom and her newborn in my vision board was a nod to my much-anticipated maternal newborn and pediatric rotations. I got to attend an emotionally moving c-section birth as part of my maternal newborn clinical rotation last year. My classmate and I witnessed a father cry with overwhelming joy and love for his newborn child – it was so sweet that my classmate and I were both moved to tears. I got to complete my preceptorship in a NICU. I had wonderful experiences during my rotations.
  • I had a bunch of images related to nursing, education, and graduation. I graduated from nursing school with my BSN and passed my NCLEX last year. 
  • I have “RN” and a pile of money on my board. I started my first job as a Registered Nurse before the year ended. 
  • I have travel luggage, a camera, vacation views, and photos of families having fun doing various physical activities on my 2020 board. My family and I managed to squeeze in two family vacations last year – one to Solvang (thanks to a good friend’s timeshare) and another to Bishop (as a result of tagging along on my husband’s business trip). We did not travel the way I originally envisioned after graduation, but my family enjoyed ourselves and explored new places while safely adhering to health orders.
  • I have images from “Hamilton”, the musical. I had tickets to watch the musical in-person with my husband at the Pantages in May. The show was canceled due to the pandemic. Luckily, our theatre tickets were refunded. I had to be satisfied (but “I will never be satisfied!”, a la Angelica Schuyler) watching it on Disney+. A benefit with watching the musical at home is that my daughter gets to enjoy it, too. My daughter periodically requests Alexa to play the songs, particularly the ones sung by any of the Schuyler Sisters.

Before the pandemic, I was excited to be part of the graduating class of perfect vision, 2020. I remember being a total dork and declaring this to my classmates well before the pandemic became a reality. After the pandemic started, I forgot about being part of the class of perfect vision. Earlier this year, however, my church’s mothers’ ministry had a Zoom meeting challenging members to think about how 2020 was the year of perfect vision. It was interesting to consider: I had to be laser-focused in my commitment to my goals to avoid distractions and overcome the obstacles of an unexpected pandemic. And maybe 2020 had me re-focus and let go of attachments and what I thought my life should look like. My family did not travel to other states or countries for vacation as in previous years, but we got to experience adventure and explore new places locally and within the state. My daughter speaks fondly of Solvang as much as she does of Spain (we visited in 2019). Even with letting go of attachments and expectations of what I thought things should be like, I didn’t accomplish all my 2020 goals – I still need to add more physical activity in my life and to declutter my home – but looking at my old vision board, I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished in 2020! Now, onward to 2021!